The Inside Job

This is probably one of my favourite outfits I bought on my trip to New York last month. My friend spotted these jeans on a sales rack and they ended up being the perfect mom jeans. The loose bottoms were a prime match with my crop top and voilá, here comes the 90's!

This leather tote has been my bestie during this heat wave we've been experiencing. It fits my beach attire and all the necessities, while looking slick and chic and pairing with any outfit.

My skin has always been super sensitive, just like the rest of me. I always tried to get it under control with whatever seemed to be trending as the solution and I don't even want to count how much money I put into all the different products that were supposed to transform my skin into peachy perfection. A few years ago my digestion got out of control (I always had a sensitive stomach and I literally put all the symptoms under that; over sensitivity) and I searched for help everywhere. My doctor did a few tests and ended up basically saying that I didn't have anything, which obviously only made me fall into deeper despair. Instead of just living with "nothing", I began to research and came across all kinds of information. What seemed to be a common thread everywhere was that dairy, gluten and sugar are highly allergenic and sensitizing to the body. I had already lessened my dairy intake while living in the States (simply because I disliked their dairy products), but the combo of these three felt impossible to conquer. After living six months with my digestion basically hating me, I was ready to take the task and ended up living without that trinity for three months. After a few weeks I noticed my skin clearing up and for the first time I had a first hand experience of how what you eat actually affects everything, head to toe! The same revelation came to me when a few weeks ago I accidentally ate gluten and my skin radically changed for the worse and I'm still healing from it.

It made me think of how many times in life I've done that exact same mistake of thinking that by treating the symptoms they will disappear. In my unhappiness I've shopped online or  to ease the pain. When feeling anxious or stressed out I've opted for a distracting movie or comfort food, instead of figuring out what is actually causing my distress. While being frustrated I've immersed myself into work just to numb that feeling. All those things made me temporarily feel better, but because they don't deal with the root of the issue, I've found myself in this circle of avoiding what's really going on on the inside and basically waisting my precious time by doing so. It is uncomfortable and even painful to confront what's causing the uneasiness in my heart, but it's the only way to maturity and a truly free and powerful me. By listening to my heart and really stopping when everything hasn't been ok, I've come to find the roots to my insecurities, fears and lies that have been holding me back from being the person I really was created to be.

It can seem unproductive to take care of your heart, but that's where everything you do flows from. Wether it's a bad habit, overweight or laziness you want to get rid off, you can usually find the real cause hidden under all the symptoms, deep in your heart. It takes courage to walk toward the pain instead of avoiding it, but the freedom that follows will make it worth it all.



xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Crop top: Urban Outfitters

Jeans: Topshop

Sneakers: Nike Air Max

Leather Tote: Zara

Music Monday

So far I've lived on two continents, 3 countries,7 cities and 13 homes. Approximately I've moved every second year of my life. My story is not unusual in our ever changing world where jobs are international and traveling is easier as ever. The constant moving taught me to say goodbye (the least hurtful way) and how to adapt quickly to new places and situations. What I didn't realise was that I also learned how to keep myself at a distance from people. I made friends easily, but from a young age I understood that they might not stay in my life and the time for goodbyes might come again. So I built a defence mechanism that was going to protect myself from the hurt, by not letting people have my heart completely. 

Last year we were in California for five weeks to go to a wedding, enjoy the weather and see our friends. When the last day of our stay rolled up, I woke up with a lump in my throat. It was unclear to me why it was there, so I decided to ignore it. Obviously it wasn't the best way to deal with it so it ended up only growing until it seemed like I couldn't get a word out of my mouth. It wasn't until my dear friend looked at me and said, "Suvi, maybe you should cry?", that I couldn't hold it in anymore and waterfalls came streaming down my face. As I was sitting there sobbing, baffled by the volume of my emotions, I felt slightly embarrassed by my reaction. Didn't I know how to say goodbye without turning it into a scene? I've been here so many times before, what's different now?

I had let these people into my life. It had been a process of learning to be vulnerable for the first time, pursuing friendship and finding the most amazing second family a girl could ask for. And now I felt pain, because I wasn't going to see them for a long time. I was going to miss them, because a piece of my heart was going to stay in America. 

That's when I realised that missing someone or something is actually not negative. It means that you've lived freely, shared your heart and been vulnerable. It means you have had or still have someone/something so wonderful in your life that the pain of not seeing them is overwhelming. So that pain means you have been blessed.

To celebrate that blessing, I couldn't think of any better song than Sam Smiths live version of Lay me down. His interpretation, in all it's simplicity and passion is a pure presentation of a heart shared and filled with love. If you are missing someone or something right now, let yourself feel it and be grateful for what you've had the chance to experience.

xxx

Success In Process

My take on the relaxed, but dressed up combo. A nude slip and metallic clutch paired with a long cardigan and chunky heel is something I can wear anywhere from a regular coffee date to the ultimate summer night party. Multipurpose at it's finest.

"Life is a process."

"Embrace the process." 

"It's about the journey, not the destination."

Gosh I hated to hear those words.

I like to get. things. done. Give me a clear goal and I'll figure out the straightest, most effortless and efficient way to get there. I also like to make it happen now rather than later, waiting around and wondering about the weather will get me bored and make me loose my focus as quickly as I achieved it. Either we're on it or not, there's no in-between area. Learning something new would get me frustrated at times, because I prefer perfecting it the first time trying. 

Maybe it's because I was raised in the instant generation with microwaves, computers, internet, fast food, cell phones turned into smart phones… aka instant gratification. But somewhere down the road I bought into all the under 30 millionaires and the made it to the top at 18 thinking, this is how it's going down. You need to get to the top fast (and easy). And then my life didn't go at all according to my plans. No one discovered me at 16, I married young, I was rejected from the school I applied for and was thrown into the process of my life (which later I discovered will continue for the rest of my life). My frustration went through the roof as I tried and tried to figure out the most efficient ways to reach my dreams only finding myself running in circles and not getting anywhere. But someone had an even greater dream planned out for me. (Isaiah 55:8-13)

The past two years have been the most growing, intense and struggle filled years of my life. I've gone through heartache and difficult circumstances before, but this time there was no external tribulation. Instead it was a battle fought completely in my heart, me against myself and I. All my beliefs were being tested, insecurities pulled to the surface and weaknesses brought into the light and nothing I did seemed to succeed. I just felt like a hot mess and completely stuck in the in-between.

But there was a process happening, a pruning of my heart. Looking at myself two years ago and where I'm at now makes me see the change taking place. It's the little decisions and daily choices I made that have been moulding my character, fighting off fears and shaping me into becoming a powerful person. Small streams create big rivers and I was finally learning to respect the process.

I've got a long way to get where I want to be and lots of learning to do, but I'm ok with it now. I don't feel hurried or panicked, because I'm in the right place and time is not against me as long as I follow my heart and am not distracted by any external pressure. I don't want to skip steps or try to rush to see my dreams fulfilled because I know the now is forming me into the woman I need to be tomorrow.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Dress: Zara

Cardigan: Vero Moda

Shoes: Steve Madden

Clutch: Urban Outfitters

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Music Mondays

I don't know how many years I wasted trying to be something else than what I was. It seemed that there was always someone more gifted, smarter, prettier or talented than me. I guess it's part of growing up, looking up to people and imitating their ways in the search of the "right way to be", whatever that means to each individual. But in the process I began to despise who I was, fighting the walls of my existence, feeling like it was a prison and I was sentenced for life. 

It took years of healing from insecurities that finally began to create cracks in those brick walls and once and for all bust them, just so I could find out that I wasn't in a prison after all. It was more like a dreamy castle, but I had locked myself up in the darkest corner by my own actions. Instead of exploring the rooms of my identity, roaming the gardens of my heart and in the end just loving who I was made to be, I hadn't even looked through any of it. I had been like that ungrateful child who didn't want to open a gift, because the package didn't seem big enough.

Getting to know oneself is a lifelong journey, since we are created to evolve and grow constantly. Having a healthy relationship with yourself is the key to experiencing health in all other areas of life. It is also the key to unlocking the treasures that are placed only in your heart. Not understanding that, detesting what you've been given and disregarding it as not good enough, will deprive the world of the wonders only you can release to this world. 

My dear friend introduced me to this song (I had quickly heard it on the radio, but never really listened to it) and it took me right to the core of all of this. Her raw voice combined with this ingenious music video, moved my heart and gave me some epic goosebumps. Mostly because it's something original and unique...something no one else could deliver the same way. 

I hope it inspires you like it did me, to go search the castle of your heart and find the riches hidden all over.

xxx

Oh True Love

I love the moments when the outfit I pick reflects exactly how I feel on the inside. There's a power in expressing yourself freely. Wether it's through music, fashion or a spoken word, in that moment you get to release some of the gold hidden inside of you.

These striped pants are the perfect pair for a sporty racerback. Adding pops of neon creates such a juicy summer look. Don't be afraid to mix prints and colour, find your own balance and rock it!

Found these sneakers first at a skater shop in Santa Barbara last fall and since they didn't have my size I was happy to find them online. They've become my go to shoes, being so versatile. Not really much I couldn't wear them with!

This summer was the 6th I've spent married to the man of my life. I found love at a young age and it's interesting how despite all the talk ("Girl you crazy, you too young, you don't know who you even are yet, how could you know who you want, you're not able to make a decision like this etc…") it's been one of the best decisions of my life. I'm not trying to advertise getting married super young, for a lot of people that doesn't work out well at all. I actually wasn't at all the girl to dream about married life. Instead I had a great plan of graduating, working, establishing my own life, enjoying myself and then maybe someday meet a man to share it all with…and then ironically, life happened. 

Marriage has had it's stocks go down for a long time now. We all know the statistics of divorce rates and broken families. I don't know why marriage as an institution is being attacked, like there's something wrong with two people publicly committing their lives to each other. But I understand that disappointments invite fears and it seems smarter to rather save the wedding money for something more important at the moment. 

I come myself from the seemingly more common famille divorcé. So what made me not loose hope in true love?

I like to call marriage the greatest challenge. It's also one of the best places to grow (having kids is a whole other level). If you want a happy relationship, there's not much space for selfishness, fears, controlling, manipulating, envy...and the list goes on. So who the heck can do that?? The secret is in accepting the process. You can't expect perfection from the other unless you can deliver it yourself. As long as you have a partner with a good heart (hear the emphasis) and motivation to work on themselves you can concentrate on how you can become the best lover and friend, instead of wasting your energy on thinking of all the things your partner falls short of. That's called unconditional love. Even if he wasn't able to deliver what I need right now, I'll always give him my best. There are times when it doesn't come easy and God knows how many times I've failed, but that's why they say love is not a feeling but a choice and decision. A decision that has to be made every single day.

That might make it sound like too much work, and I won't lie, it IS a lot of work, but oh Lord the reward is far beyond comprehension. The intensely pure joy of sharing your life completely, growing together, becoming one… there's nothing that can come even close to the euphoria of a good, healthy, satisfying relationship. Every sacrifice made, every battle fought is forgotten the moment I get to run into the arms of my love and see in his eyes that he feels the same.

Love. It is the purest, most powerful force on this planet. In spite of what lies my circumstances try to fool me into, I have decided to always fight for love.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Racerback and Pants: Topshop

Sneakers: Nike Thea

Cross body: Rebecca Minkoff

Time To Be

Summer has finally arrived and I got the perfect hot red shirt to accompany it. There's something about the heat that makes my inspiration flow so much sweeter. I guess I was made for the tropics.

This Michael Kors bag is exactly the right size to fit all my treasures for a busy day but still being conveniently small.

My layering has changed from clothes to jewellery. I could just wear it all at once.

Aaaand here we go again! These past months have been quiet on the outside but busy on the inside. I was in California and New York City for 3 weeks all in all and I have to say it was not an easy trip to leave behind. It seems like every time I visit the US, I loose another piece of my heart and I don't know if there's much left anymore…

I'm going to be honest here. I've started to write this blog a thousand times and deleted it as many. My heart has been overflowing with thoughts but none of them have sounded quite right in their written form. Maybe they haven't been ready for the daylight, maybe I'll keep them marinating a little longer and they'll come out bursting with incredible flavour. Or maybe my inner perfectionist has come out roaring.. But to break the silence, here I am!

I just finished the Master Cleanse last week and I have to say it did good to me. For those of you who haven't heard of it or all you have heard is about a quick fix to loose weight, let me fill you in a little. The reason I started was my never-ending-upset-stomach-syndrome. Through trial and error I've learned that my digestion can't handle gluten or dairy very well. But because I am a lover of food, I've talked my self into having a little treat every now and then by the excuse that a little can't hurt anyone. Oh how wrong I was. After ending up at daily cramps and the face of a teenager (food allergies can cause all kinds of skin disorders) I was ready to do whatever to calm. things. down. 

A few friends recommended the Master Cleanse and at the hight of my frustration, I took on the challenge. Ten days of no solid food, only homemade juice consisting of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water (all organic of course). Not forgetting the cup of detox tea in the evenings and a nice saltwater flush in the mornings. Going to birthday parties, BBQ get togethers and weddings wasn't necessarily easy, but now talking from the other side, it was all worth it. My skin cleared up and most importantly, me and Mrs. Digestion are at peace again!

I also took the time to slow down. It felt like not only my body, but also my soul and spirit needed some detox. It felt good not having a phone (it broke half way through), being out of everyone's reach and free from the distractions of social media. I was forced to process through stuff I had been putting off for quite a while. Pushing through the inconvenient and uncomfortable seems to never have a right time, but it needs to be taken or else we begin to shut down. Body, soul or spirit. 

In our hectic, achiever centred lifestyle it can seem irrelevant to really stop and nurture oneself. But when we understand how truly wonderfully we are made and a what a gift life really is, being might turn into something more important (and productive) than doing…

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Shirt: Madewell

Jeans: Zara

Shoes: H&M

Bag: Michael Kors