Unconditional

I just finished a five hour FaceTime call with my friend/sister in California. There's just nothing like sharing life to every little detail, the good and the bad, and having someone who accepts you, encourages you and loves you the way you are. I hope every single person on this planet could experience relationships like that.

Talking of relationships… I think they are one of the most complicated and fascinating subjects of all time. Being married for over six years now has given me some insight, even though I know I've only touched the tip of the iceberg and that's really the beauty of it. It never gets boring because there's always more to discover, if you're ready to put in the work, go deep and dare to become naked, in other ways than just physically. One of the key revelations I've learned during these years, is the art of picking the plank out of my own eye before making a scene of the speck of sawdust in my husbands eye. In other words, work on my problems instead of only focusing on his. There was a time where I thought I was doing quite a good job as a wife and not understanding why my man is not living up to those standards. I couldn't have been more wrong. Emphasising his flaws only made me blind to all the areas he was excelling in and most importantly, the areas I was heavily failing at. Real love is unconditional, but mine had a list of conditions. If you did these things.. or If you stopped doing this.. were part of my regular "love language" and yet I wondered why I wasn't getting what I wanted. Thank God there was a point where a light bulb went off and I realised that you get what you sow. So with my nagging and complaining I reaped exactly that. It was quite a humbling moment to understand the selfishness of my actions, but when I finally did, I was able to change the course. I began to swallow my ego, look at the things I was falling short in and work on them. I figured out what his primary love languages are (based on the book The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman, you can find out your love languages here) and began to love him in those ways, without conditions. It really changed the atmosphere in our relationship and took us to a deeper level of love. Of course it's important to take care of your own needs and speak openly if you feel like they are not met, but before blaming the other person for your issues, it never hurts to check out your own eye first. And this goes for all relationships, wether it's friends or family… I think learning to love well must be the most important assignment in our quest of a fulfilled life.

xxx

Photos by Eino Manner

Trench Coat: TopShop

Turtleneck: H&M

Jeans: Zara

Music Mondays

I just realised I've posted a lot of music by female artists lately, so who better to balance it out than Luther Vandross. His voice must have been made of pure silk and satin. This song takes me back to an ordinary day of cooking with my husband and Luther blasting his smooth tunes in the background.  In all its simplicity, it's one of my most romantic memories and we have a lot of them... Instead of always longing to find romance, happiness or satisfaction in things that are out of the regular, like grand trips or fancy restaurants, it's more rewarding to stop and find the joy in the everyday affairs. Of course it's fun and important to break out of routines and spice life up with new adventures, but it would be sad to become someone who only really lives on vacations, date nights or special occasions. My challenge lately has been instead of being grumpy about having to wash the dishes (it's really one of my least favourite things to do), I've turned the music up and made it a "Dancing with the dishes" moment instead. It sounds maybe too easy, but becoming more present and cultivating a thankful heart, really does make a difference in the daily life. Kind of like changing the picture from black and white to seeing the whole prism of colours. Why not give it a try?

xxx

Honest Heart

I found these pictures from our trip last summer to the US and since I haven't posted them, I decided to do it now. Better late than never, right? We had a wonderful time in San Diego, celebrating our dear friends' wedding. We were both part of the wedding party, so sadly I have no pictures of the ceremony, but even thinking about it now gives me chills… Just imagine the ceremony held outside, with San Diego's skyline as the backdrop, the bride walking up from a misty beach and the sun hanging low in the late afternoon. It was like from a fantasy. But honestly, even if I had had a camera in my hand, it would have been useless…some moments are meant to be seen with our bare eyes and not through a lens. After the wedding we went up to Los Angeles and I even had a chance to make a stop in my beloved NYC, but I'll post some of those pictures later.

I notice how writing my blog becomes more difficult when I'm not really connected to my heart. It's easy to fill every day with things to do, from morning till night, so that I don't have to ask myself how I'm really doing. Why am I feeling frustrated? I might blame it on the messy home, some annoying person or the horrible traffic, but if my heart was doing good, I wouldn't have these buttons to push on. What has triggered this restlessness? Pulling away from the pain seems to be the natural response, but I've learned that there's a greater reward in going towards it. Sitting down and letting myself feel my heavy heart, not being afraid of what it holds. Being honest to myself. Crying if I need to, even if I'm not sure why. Someone might think of it as a waste of time, but I see it as a strength. I rather keep track of my hearts inventory on a regular basis, than find myself unhappy and unsatisfied because I never understood to restock on what's missing.

xxx

Music Mondays

This week has been all about abiding. The dictionary defines abiding as to endure without yielding, to bear patiently, to remain stable or fixed in a state. I've come a long road from being an insecure and anxious girl who was obsessed with what everyone else thought of her. I've knocked out obstacles and faced fears to be where I am today, still in process but finally free. The key word has been abiding. 

I've gone through ups and downs and at times felt somewhat unstable after having weeks of excitement and development met with days of hopelessness and a want to just give up and lay on the couch watching Netflix for the rest of my life. I obviously still have rough days (today was definitely one), but the overall feeling has become more stable. Even in the worst moments I'm able to find my peace more easily. 

One of my tools has been meditating on truth. Many people like to meditate on nothing, emptying themselves completely, but I think we become what we think and instead of becoming nothing, I want to be filled with life and goodness. There's a difference between what's true and what's the truth. It has been true that I've been terrified of speaking in front of people, but the truth is that deep in my heart I've always loved entertaining and speaking (the moment I learned to talk I haven't really stopped, you can ask my husband..), but at some point I've partnered with fears that made me think otherwise. It is true that my past doesn't really back up my dreams and in some ways it might seem that I've missed my "moment", but the truth is that I can achieve my hearts desires if I only believe. How to know what truth is, is not that difficult because it is distinguished by one particular feature; truth always sets us free. I always acknowledge what is true but instead of letting it create anxiety in me, I decide to abide, to remain stable or fixed, in truth.

Today I want to take us back to the early 90's. I think this is one of the greatest performances of its time and yet hardly anyone has seen or heard it. Not only are Lisa Fischer's vocals literally impeccable, but the emotion she brings throughout the performance is what gives me the chills. The song in itself is incredibly intense, but her interpretation of it is what really draws you in. If you want to know more of this wonder woman's story, I recommend watching the documentary "20 feet from stardom".

xxx

Focused

A while back I read a funny blogpost by a finnish blogger (unfortunately I can't remember the name but if you do, please comment below), which was filled with sarcastic humour on what is expected of a modern day woman. She listed all the essentials like having a perfectly decorated home that's always squeaky clean, working out five times a week, eating only health foods and green smoothies, have a successful career, volunteer in meaningful organisations, have a large group of friends, travel often, have multiple hobbies, look glamorous at all times, have a passionate love life, dress like a fashionista, use time wisely and never waste it…you know, the basics. At first I laughed at it, thinking how crazy the list was, but then it hit me. I've been a victim of that mindset as well, thinking that we're supposed to thrive in everything at all times. I looked back at my life and recognised this pattern, where I time and again decided to change my life for the good and start, well, living the life described above. 

The other day I was trying to get my husbands attention and was calling his name quite a few times without getting any reply (familiar anyone?). He just kept on writing on his phone which obviously irritated me and I made some remark on how all men are like that. After he was finished with his writing he looked at me and explained (in a quite annoyed manner) that he was composing an e-mail and likes to focus on one thing at a time instead of giving fractions of his attention to multiple matters. A light bulb went off. 

Every time I've tried to make those lifestyle changes, I've crashed pretty quickly, not able to keep up the pace. Usually I've ended up at a pity party with me, myself and I and wondered what's wrong with me. Why am I not able to be a powerful woman (or at least what our society describes as a powerful woman)? First of all trying to start ten new habits and kill twenty old one's at the same time, is just always going to be a bad idea. But the black-and-white-do-it-all-perfectly-or-not-at-all part of me always wanted to put my life on track with one big swing. By learning to be more graceful and loving towards myself, I've understood that I don't have to thrive in everything at all times. As long as there's life in all area's, even if it's just a teeny tiny bud that's visible, I can be proud of myself. Because music is the love of my life and I've had some issues with working on it on a practical level (as I shared here), I've had to let go of everything that might be distracting me for a while, just to get that wheel spinning. For example I haven't really gone to the gym as much lately, because it's not a priority right now. Often when I have a lot on my plate and my schedule is crazy, our home looks like the house in Jumanji (the scene with the monkeys is the right picture). I also tend to neglect my family, when I'm busy with everything around me.

We shouldn't take all this extra pressure of having to meet the perfectionists standards, but instead have growth as the goal. Look at our journey and be proud of the development, even if it's going from zero to one instead of one hundred. Focus on one or two things at a time and dare to pause the non-vitals for a while, even if it makes us look like we don't have everything under control. Not be afraid of time, but embrace the fact that only in time we are able to mature and reach our full potential. Listen to our hearts instead of all the other voices and follow its lead. That to me is the description of a truly powerful woman.

xxx

Photos by Eino Manner

Leather Jacket: Zara

Long Cardigan: Vila

Jeans: Urban Outfitters

Shoes: Urban a

Hat: H&M

Music Mondays

Today's (Midnight) Music Mondays is a couple hours late after having a couple surprise guests, but don't think I would leave you out there hanging :)

Tonights pick is a sweet breeze from the all time classics. There's something about Anita Baker's rich and full voice that moves something in me every time I hear it. It's that unique sound that sets her apart from the masses. Can you imagine her trying to imitate Aretha Franklin or Billie Holiday? Wouldn't it be a horrible waste of a beautiful talent? And yet, we often try to pick apart our distinctive characteristics that make us who we are, just because we don't blend in to the crowd. It's a horrible lie to think that we all have to copy the same fashion, want certain careers or act certain ways, to be successful and respected. I think true success is finding your very own place in this world and respect will follow when one dares to follow his/her heart, because that's what speaks loudest to people. A fearless heart, beating relentlessly it's own rhythm and sound is what moves and inspires, and in the end, will leave a mark behind.

xxx

Just Believe

I was thrift shopping with my friend in Sacramento when I came across this beautiful leather skirt. It goes easily from spring to summer to fall and is the perfect twist for this seasons midi trend.

I love singing. It's what makes me feel like I'm doing what I was created to do. My greatest passion and ultimate dream is to record, perform and spread what I carry in my heart, through singing. And yet, not too long ago, I hardly ever put time and effort into practising my vocals. I would take vocal lessons and try to keep up the work at home, but fail at it time and time again. It felt very conflicting and I often asked myself how is it possible that I can't find the backbone in me to invest in my career and take care of my most valuable possession, my voice? 

As I've mentioned in my previous posts, I used to have a very low self-esteem. When I started to build up my confidence, brick by brick, I saw the effect it had on everything I was doing. I became bolder, more driven and focused. At some point I reached the point where I had laid a pretty good base in almost every area of my life, except for music. Even though I had found my true identity and began to really love myself, I still had a very hopeless attitude when it came to singing. I realised I had believed a lie that my singing had some limit, and no matter how much I practised, I would never reach my goals or get as good as some artists I looked up to. Obviously that lie was exactly what was eating up my motivation. What's the point in practising, if you know that you won't get much better? That, my dear readers, is one of the best examples of what a poverty mindset can do to a person. It made me believe I was powerless and a victim of my circumstances. When I began to consciously take down that lie, I found a whole new excitement and zeal to go for my dreams. Those thoughts still try to harass me, but I fight them with holding on to the truth and declaring that I can achieve anything I put my heart into (because that is the truth and our world has countless examples to back it up). I literally talk to myself and constantly remind me that nothing is impossible for those who believe. It might sound funny, but you actually start to believe what you speak out loud and become what you meditate on, and that goes also with the negative.

Every single one of us is loaded with a unique set of giftings and talents and it's up to us what we will achieve with it. You're passion might be becoming the best paediatrician or owning your own successful business, whatever it is, don't limit yourself because of your circumstances, resources or even your past. I used to linger in regrets like; if I had known all this when I was younger/if someone had encouraged me more, I would be light years ahead now… I actually had to forgive myself for not believing in myself and the people around me who didn't understand to help or encourage me, to be able to move on from these regrets. By holding on to that unforgiveness and regret, I was only wasting my time living in the past and keeping myself from ever being able to move forward.

But it's not how many times you fall that matters, but how many times you get back up. The only limit is your mind. 

Will you let it cage you or give you wings?

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Shirt: Topshop

Leather Skirt: Vintage

Denim Jacket: BikBok

Mini Bag: Rebecca Minkoff

Shoes: Converse

Music Mondays

I think we all have a natural need to feel accepted and valued by our environment and that need is to be met in a healthy way by the encouragement and approval of important people around us. When I chose to really go after my dreams and go against the stream, I only had a handful of people around me who didn't think I had lost my mind. It can be very painful when someone close doesn't accept your choices and isn't able to see the sincere heart behind them, but living under fear of men (by men I mean mankind, women and men) is only another prison holding you down. 

It's something I battled with for a long time and it still tries to creep back sometimes, if I'm not paying attention. The cause for my constant need of approval from anyone and everyone around me was rooted in my childhood. My father grew up in a very praise deprived environment and didn't really know how to give from an empty bag, so the curse was passed on again to us. The only times I got some of that need filled, was when I accomplished anything excellent like getting straight A's in school and I could feel how proud my father was of me. This inevitably made me very performance driven and my identity ended up being rooted in what I did and what other's thought of it. I was yearning to be accepted and recognised and it became one of the mane motives for all that I was doing.

But as we all know, living for the approval of others doesn't lead to a very fulfilled life. Fear of men will always rob you off of your true destiny and it wasn't until I learned to let go of it and have those needs met in a healthy way, that I was able to jump into the life I was meant to live. I needed to forgive my father for his shortcomings to be able to break that curse, which freed me to overcome it.

"And every time I try to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up I wasn't able to achieve.
 But deep in my heart, the answer it was in me and I made up my mind to define my own destiny.

Now I know his strength is within me."



xxx

Real > Perfect

In my recent post I felt like I wanted to be raw and honest with how I felt in the moment. I could have found wisdom in my situation and try to turn it into something beautiful, but instead I chose to tell what was really going on in my heart. When I first decided to start this blog, one of my core values was to be real and vulnerable with my journey.
Our fairly new social media makes it sometimes difficult to find the balance in what to share and what to keep to myself, trying to preserve even a tiny bit of privacy in our overexposed world. But my feed has been flooded with perfect pictures, perfect posts and perfect lives and I'm starving for real moments. Don't get me wrong, I have a high value for excellence and definitely spend time on selecting the right pictures for my blog, putting effort into the overall look of every post. I also understand the concept of building an image especially now that instagrams and facebooks have become basically business cards, wether we like it or not.
But why should pain be something to hide? Why should showing a weak moment be perceived as unprofessional or even boring? I don't think social media is the place to pour out our lives every little heart wrenching moment, but what if instead of trying to figure out what everyone else is thinking we would focus on who we really are?

In my opinion there's a unique beauty found in real-to-the-bone people. It's probably the fact that they couldn't care less about what others think and their fearlessness enables them to be bold to express themselves freely at all times, making them truly inspiring. And that's what I aspire to be. Real instead of perfect. I've still got a long way to go and I know I'm never going to let go of my pursuit of excellence, but I won't let it override my heart…and I hope you, my dear reader, will join me on this journey.



xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Shirt and Shorts: Zara

Trench Coat: Topshop

Pouch: Urban Outfitters

Boots: Aldo