Beloved

This post goes to the anonymous girl who commented on my previous post. She asked me what was my first step in developing my self-confidence. As I started replying, I realised there's no way I can explain this in two sentences, so I though I'll make it into one whole post…which ended up becoming the longest post I've ever written. To keep it personal, I'm writing as to her.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for commenting, I love hearing your thoughts! Your question is a very good one and I'll do my best in giving you a good answer in return. I just realised that I've never completely verbalised it like this so here we go! As I've shared; my quest from an insecure and fearful girl to learning to love myself for who I am has been quite the journey and honestly, I'm still on it. But as for the first step I think there are many different tools depending on several factors like your background, your family, personality etc. I can give you some practical steps that will help you with overcoming insecurities, as I will in a moment, but the core solution for me was far deeper. 

First I needed to understand how those insecurities had birthed, since I and pretty much every person on this planet is born with a healthy dose of self-love (go ahead and put any child in front of a mirror and you'll see how much they delight in themselves :)) For me the root issue was in my family. My father, coming from a wounded background himself, didn't know how to show unconditional love and approval in ways that I as a young girl needed, so I grew up starving for it. It became like a crack in my foundation through which all kinds of lies and insecurities sneaked in and began to tear the walls of my identity down. My mother represents love at its finest, anyone who has met her knows exactly what I mean, and I'm eternally grateful for her affection. But at that time she struggled with her own insecurities as well and even though it was never her intention to impart them to me, as a child you absorb your world around you without any filters and build your identity from that. There were many other incidents along the road that did their best in trying to push me down, but I won't bore you with all the details. To get rid of the lie that I wasn't worthy, beautiful or of great value, I had to begin with healing those wounds, the cracks in the foundation of my identity. I had to walk through the pain of never feeling like I was good enough which led me to the endless cycle of comparing myself to others. I needed to forgive my parents and everyone else who had hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, because forgiveness is the only way to freedom. 

But the essential key was found in the everloving arms of my Father. My heavenly Father. When His love washed over me, wave after wave, my self hate began to crumble. When He spoke His truth over me; how I am worthy, beautiful and of such great value that He even gave His Son for me, the lies began to flee. It wasn't until I got to know Him, heart to heart, that all the darkness that tried to destroy me was overcome by His light. Now my purpose, my identity, isn't rooted in what I can achieve or do. My identity is first and foremost in being His beloved and that's where everything else, everything I do, flows from.

I could have given you only the practical steps, like:

- Start a negativity fast where you're not allowed to speak any negative words about yourself (none. at. all.).

- Every time you look in the mirror, tell yourself you're beautiful. No matter how stupid or ridiculous it might feel, do it. Our words create worlds and what you speak out is going to make a difference in your inner world as well.

- Stop looking at pictures that make you hate yourself. Whether its magazines, Instagram profiles, Facebook pages, google search… Anything that gives you that yucky feeling.

- Start a list about things you love about yourself. Your personality, habits, strengths, weaknesses, quirks, body parts, anything.

- Write out your dreams. The ones you're too afraid to say out loud and the silliest ones like flying or breathing under water. Go dig inside yourself and open up that well of creativity.

- Start healthy habits, not because you want to look a certain way, but because you have been given such an amazing home to live in, your body, and it's worth every green smoothie and heart bumping exercise.

- Read encouraging articles, inspiring blogs (not the yucky ones), watch inspiring movies and documentaries. Research real people who have overcome their circumstances and gone after their dreams.

- Surround yourself with confident people. Don't confuse confident with the insecure type that builds up a "confident" front. Real confident people are easy to be around with, they radiate attractiveness (but are never obsessed by appearance) and they don't put others down.

These are all very good tools in learning to love yourself and building up your self-esteem, but one of my core values for this blog is honesty. By not telling about how it was the power of Jesus that transformed my life into something so exquisite and ravishing, I would have left the most important part out. I owe my life to this beautiful man, who faced death and overcame it so that I can live.

Maybe this wasn't the answer you expected to receive. Honestly, this wasn't the answer I expected to give. But dear Anonymous, I sincerely hope you'll find what you came looking for.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Wool Coat: Erre

Wool Sweater: COS

Denim Shirt: Madewell

Leather Pants: Rock'n'Blue

Sneakers: Nike Thea

Crossbody: gift

Urban Mood

Sometimes I feel like there are a couple different personalities living inside of me. Part of me loves structure, schedules and routines, but the other gets absolutely bored and claustrophobic by even thinking about them. I'm loud, outgoing and crazy, but I enjoy having things in order, being honourable and in leadership. At times our apartment looks like Korea targeted it's nuclear weapons at our living room, and the next day I'll have it cleaned up, walls and ceilings and all. The past two years of being self-deployed, I've had to work on cracking the code to what a fruitful and happy life looks like for me. An article I read recently stated that when you ask a Finnish person how they are, they will usually tell you what they've been doing and when they say they've been busy, it's basically just a synonym for "I am important". 

We identify ourselves so much with what we do, that at times I feel like we're being productive only to convince ourselves (and people around us) that we are, indeed, important. Doing what I love definitely boosts my mood and energy levels and I think it's crucial for everyone to stay active. It's in our DNA to create, produce and grow and loosing the ability to do that, would restrain our souls from being satisfied. But a successful life is not necessary equal to a busy schedule. I firmly believe in working hard for my dreams, even when it feels like walking through knee-high mud, but often in the midst of making sure that I seem busy, I don't end up putting my time into the things that really matter. During this time of figuring out how to live at my full potential I've had to list my core values and priorities and read them multiple times to remind myself of what I'm really supposed to be focusing on, at this moment. At times, being effective in certain areas has been about taking care of my heart and laying a solid foundation to build upon. On the outside that has usually looked like doing pretty much nothing but more than anything, I've learned that it's the inside that counts. If I'm not successful in managing my heart, how can I expect to manage a successful life, let alone lead others successfully? 

I've also discovered that the wise understand their seasons and act accordingly. There have been moments I've felt like I needed to draw back to process, heal or re-charge myself. Neglecting that call has usually led only to frustration and disappointment. It's exactly those times that have paved the way for the risk-taking-busyschedule-workinghard seasons, getting rid of unnecessary baggage that would have dragged me down, hindering me from reaching that full potential. I've learned that all those different sides of me have their place and time. Nurturing my body, soul and spirit equally is what a truly successful is about even if it seems unprofitable or offensive to others. I guess it all boils down to the question: Who do I live for?

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Coat: Malene Birger

Sweater: Urban A

Overalls: Zara

Shoes: Wolverine

Beanie: Urban Outfitters

Tote: Zara

Music Mondays

I know this video came out almost two weeks ago and has over 60 million views, so chances are that you have already seen it. This is also the second time I post Sia's music here but she just inspires me more than anyone right now. This song was one of my favourites on the album before it even was released as a single and I was thrilled to see what kind of video she had come up with this time. My expectations were exceeded.

There's just something so powerful about a person who does purely and honestly what their heart leads them to do and that's exactly what I sense through Sia's work. She isn't afraid to show all the roughness and doesn't try to smooth out any edges. She just…is. I watched an old interview of her where she said she won't do any more promo work for her future album even though she knows that that's the only way to get music out and visible to the world. She just felt like it's not for her and that she will live on the money made by writing music for other artists. What's interesting is, now that she did exactly that for this album; not planning any world tours and giving interviews with her back to the camera, she has risen to be one of the brightest stars at the moment. I love how it didn't happen by following the rules or anyones expectations but by following her heart. There are easier roads to "success", if success means making a lot of money and being admired by many. I personally think that if it comes by loosing myself and breaking my core values, it will never be worth it. And that's exactly why I want to celebrate Sia for choosing the narrow road and showing the rest of us that, yes, it can be done. 

xxx

Authenticity

This day we (me and my wonderful photographer Adriana) were lucky to have temperature above freezing, but it was compensated with an unruly wind that left my legs so cold that I had to keep them under covers for an hour until they warmed up again. The challenges of writing a blog this far from the equator are numerous, but they won't stop me. Music Mondays didn't happen this week because of one of the funniest human errors, I simply didn't realise it was monday! The rest of the week I've been so busy with other projects, that it had to wait untill next week, so stay tuned :)

Authenticity. That's what I'm on the search for. If you've spent any amount of time, let alone years, being insecure, the sad truth is that there's a great possibility you've lost some of it. During my years of self consciousness I tried to fit myself into the generally accepted moulds of how to live, look or sound like and it ate me at the core. The past years I've been picking up the pieces of my being that those times of low self-esteem tore down. Slowly but surely it is building up to something beautiful, like it was from the beginning, and the scars that are left I wear with pride because they represent the journey of becoming who I am today. It hasn't been easy walking through all of it, but now that most of the fears have been dealt with I'm getting to the more fun part. Right now I'm focusing on reminding myself of who I am and who I've been for 24 years but have hidden behind different masks. Stripping down to the very core of my existence and asking myself what do I really like, what do I sound like, who am I when I'm not held down by any fears or external pressures. My thought process has been incredibly influenced by filtering everything through what someone else thinks of this, whether it's been about buying clothes or singing my songs. I've had to adapt a whole new way of thinking to get back to the essence of myself. Obviously we are all influenced by our surroundings and I think it's beautiful that we get to build on each others achievements, but we all have our unique flavour that can't be replaced or reproduced by anyone else. If we loose that in the middle of trying to fit in or be accepted, we become bland and grey, loosing all the heavenly colours painted on our very souls. It takes courage to be freely yourself because there are no walls in between your heart and the (most likely) judgements of others, but if our identity is built on what people think of us we are already on unstable ground that will never carry us to where our dreams would take us. For creativity to flow through us freely we have to live completely open and fearlessly, which in return will guide us to the very wells of authenticity.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Leather Jacket: Zara

Vest: H&M

Pants: Zara

Shoes: Dr.Martens

Hat: H&M

Crossbody: a gift

Overcomer

When we took these picture it was around -10C accompanied with a blasting wind that made the sensation of the temperature even more unbearable. But with the cold air also usually comes the comfort of our beautiful sun and that's a reason to smile, at least for me! Knee high boots and a down jacket are what keep a girl alive during these arctic seasons, without having to compromise style.

I don't know if it's part of human nature, but it seems that we all seem to look for people who we can identify with. With a passion for singing and creating music, I've always been fascinated with other artists and looked up hours and hours of various interviews, performances and appearances of any and every person who has had the courage to follow that dream. It's a huge part of learning, that we imitate others until we understand things for ourselves and are able to give it our own twist. This goes with anything from learning to walk, write or sing. The human minds flaw is though, that we often get stuck in those paradigms. Some while ago I shared the story of the man who broke the one mile record for the first time in a hundred years (you can read it here) which resulted in that glass sealing breaking and thousands of other athletes following his lead. 

There have been moments where I've felt discouraged because I haven't been able to find someone else who has overcome similar circumstances and situations and made it to where I dream to be. For a while that really created that glass ceiling for me and made me unwilling to even reach for those dreams because I believed it was impossible. But finally I've understood the other side of the coin; I get to be the first one! It's not always fun and definitely not easy to push through the boundaries of our minds because it's been proven time and time again that that's what it's basically about, our minds limitations/openness. But my options are rather simple: Do I listen to that depressing voice whispering in my ear that no one has ever made it, what makes you think you can, or see this as my moment to be the overcomer and when I succeed, open that door for thousands of others to walk through as well? 

I guess the future will tell what decision I made.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Dress: Zara

Jacket: Joutsen

Boots: Wonders

Music Mondays

I was first introduced to Big K.R.I.T. a few years back when we first got our Lincoln Continental and had a magical sound system installed to it. Magical, because it made songs sound like they were out of this world and also because the subwoofer gave a nice massage when sitting in the back seat. Big K.R.I.T. is notorious for his strong southern flavour and that unbeatable bass that makes you wish you lived in a mansion where you can turn that sub exactly as loud as you want to. I also had the chance to see him live in Helsinki in 2013 and he definitely delivered what I expected. 

In 2014 he came out with his new album called Cadillactica. My pick is the very first track and actually it's just the intro, but I'm mesmerised by its inviting vibe and gripping lyrics. If you don't have an old school car with a ridiculous sound system, try to at least find some good headphones when you listen to Big K.R.I.T., you'll find a whole new world through it.

xxx

14/15

Happy New Year!!!

To celebrate the past year I picked some of my favourite outfits I've posted. Fashion has always been a way to express myself in ways words never could and it is part of who I am. I don't think what I wear defines me but rather reveals my mood, inspiration and state at the moment. Looking back at what I wore reminds me of what was going on that day/week because I really do wear my heart on my sleeve.

New Year is always associated with everything new. People are eager to start new ways of living, making New Years resolutions on how they're going to change, grow and do things they always dreamed of. I think it's great to plan the year, set goals and start working towards them. Unfortunately, a lot of those resolutions don't seem to really make it past January (been there, done that). Instead of focusing on only creating a whole new me this year, I've decided to focus on what there has been since the beginning. I've been reading Arnold Schwarzenegger's autobiography (which I wholeheartedly recommend for everyone who's in any way interested in pursuing dreams of any kind, which I hope is everyone) and one day I came to a point where my frustration hit the roof. I was reading how this man, so effectively, ran after each and every dream and goal of his, and simply made them happen. What generated the frustration was that his way of living seemed to shamelessly unveil the reality of my own procrastination. Before I fell into that bottomless whole of self-pity, I was able to hear a quite, small voice reminding me of some personality tests we did in school a few years back. One of them was called the strengths finder 2.0. After answering a vast number of questions, this test reveals your five highest strengths so that instead of always focusing and pouring your energy into your weaknesses, you can actually harness your strengths and become great in those areas instead of staying mediocre in many. I had already completely forgotten my results, but was luckily able to retrieve them from my account on their website. After I began to study my strengths and read the descriptions attached to them, I was startled. My strengths were actually exactly those traits that I thought I was lacking. If that test was right and those really were the right attributes to define me, then why had I not noticed their existence?

Quite a few years back I went through what I would call the most difficult year of my life. Multiple major changes happened, all at once, and a lot of them weighed on the negative side. Looking back now, I can see how I thought I had it all together despite the chaos around me, when in reality I was in way too deep waters. Thank God I had people around me who were there to pull me out of that swamp, but only now I've been able to realise that I was actually depressed during that time. Even though my heart has healed and I can sincerely say that those event's don't have power over me anymore, I made a surprising discovery after finding those test results. Because that season of depression happened at a time where I was just beginning to develop my identity, I had identified myself with depression. For the past years I've identified myself with being lazy, unenterprising and always procrastinating when those were only symptoms of an unwell heart. That test basically uncovered this big fat lie that I had believed for way too many years.

So this year I'm digging up the real Suvi-Tuulia, that's been buried under all the junk of hurts and disappointments. I'm going after the woman I was originally created, before anything or anyone tried to mess me up. I was created nothing less of wonderful and exceptional so instead of trying to be something I thought I'm not, I'll mine the treasures that have been hidden inside of me all along. I would like to challenge you to do the same. We're all on the same line, it's just the matter of whether we understand to use the strength in our legs instead of finding every fault in them and focus on that finish line instead of only looking at the other contestants. Which will you choose?

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin and Eino Manner