This post goes to the anonymous girl who commented on my previous post. She asked me what was my first step in developing my self-confidence. As I started replying, I realised there's no way I can explain this in two sentences, so I though I'll make it into one whole post…which ended up becoming the longest post I've ever written. To keep it personal, I'm writing as to her.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for commenting, I love hearing your thoughts! Your question is a very good one and I'll do my best in giving you a good answer in return. I just realised that I've never completely verbalised it like this so here we go! As I've shared; my quest from an insecure and fearful girl to learning to love myself for who I am has been quite the journey and honestly, I'm still on it. But as for the first step I think there are many different tools depending on several factors like your background, your family, personality etc. I can give you some practical steps that will help you with overcoming insecurities, as I will in a moment, but the core solution for me was far deeper.
First I needed to understand how those insecurities had birthed, since I and pretty much every person on this planet is born with a healthy dose of self-love (go ahead and put any child in front of a mirror and you'll see how much they delight in themselves :)) For me the root issue was in my family. My father, coming from a wounded background himself, didn't know how to show unconditional love and approval in ways that I as a young girl needed, so I grew up starving for it. It became like a crack in my foundation through which all kinds of lies and insecurities sneaked in and began to tear the walls of my identity down. My mother represents love at its finest, anyone who has met her knows exactly what I mean, and I'm eternally grateful for her affection. But at that time she struggled with her own insecurities as well and even though it was never her intention to impart them to me, as a child you absorb your world around you without any filters and build your identity from that. There were many other incidents along the road that did their best in trying to push me down, but I won't bore you with all the details. To get rid of the lie that I wasn't worthy, beautiful or of great value, I had to begin with healing those wounds, the cracks in the foundation of my identity. I had to walk through the pain of never feeling like I was good enough which led me to the endless cycle of comparing myself to others. I needed to forgive my parents and everyone else who had hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, because forgiveness is the only way to freedom.
But the essential key was found in the everloving arms of my Father. My heavenly Father. When His love washed over me, wave after wave, my self hate began to crumble. When He spoke His truth over me; how I am worthy, beautiful and of such great value that He even gave His Son for me, the lies began to flee. It wasn't until I got to know Him, heart to heart, that all the darkness that tried to destroy me was overcome by His light. Now my purpose, my identity, isn't rooted in what I can achieve or do. My identity is first and foremost in being His beloved and that's where everything else, everything I do, flows from.
I could have given you only the practical steps, like:
- Start a negativity fast where you're not allowed to speak any negative words about yourself (none. at. all.).
- Every time you look in the mirror, tell yourself you're beautiful. No matter how stupid or ridiculous it might feel, do it. Our words create worlds and what you speak out is going to make a difference in your inner world as well.
- Stop looking at pictures that make you hate yourself. Whether its magazines, Instagram profiles, Facebook pages, google search… Anything that gives you that yucky feeling.
- Start a list about things you love about yourself. Your personality, habits, strengths, weaknesses, quirks, body parts, anything.
- Write out your dreams. The ones you're too afraid to say out loud and the silliest ones like flying or breathing under water. Go dig inside yourself and open up that well of creativity.
- Start healthy habits, not because you want to look a certain way, but because you have been given such an amazing home to live in, your body, and it's worth every green smoothie and heart bumping exercise.
- Read encouraging articles, inspiring blogs (not the yucky ones), watch inspiring movies and documentaries. Research real people who have overcome their circumstances and gone after their dreams.
- Surround yourself with confident people. Don't confuse confident with the insecure type that builds up a "confident" front. Real confident people are easy to be around with, they radiate attractiveness (but are never obsessed by appearance) and they don't put others down.
These are all very good tools in learning to love yourself and building up your self-esteem, but one of my core values for this blog is honesty. By not telling about how it was the power of Jesus that transformed my life into something so exquisite and ravishing, I would have left the most important part out. I owe my life to this beautiful man, who faced death and overcame it so that I can live.
Maybe this wasn't the answer you expected to receive. Honestly, this wasn't the answer I expected to give. But dear Anonymous, I sincerely hope you'll find what you came looking for.
xxx
Photos by Adriana Dobrin
Wool Coat: Erre
Wool Sweater: COS
Denim Shirt: Madewell
Leather Pants: Rock'n'Blue
Sneakers: Nike Thea
Crossbody: gift
