The Inside Job

This is probably one of my favourite outfits I bought on my trip to New York last month. My friend spotted these jeans on a sales rack and they ended up being the perfect mom jeans. The loose bottoms were a prime match with my crop top and voilá, here comes the 90's!

This leather tote has been my bestie during this heat wave we've been experiencing. It fits my beach attire and all the necessities, while looking slick and chic and pairing with any outfit.

My skin has always been super sensitive, just like the rest of me. I always tried to get it under control with whatever seemed to be trending as the solution and I don't even want to count how much money I put into all the different products that were supposed to transform my skin into peachy perfection. A few years ago my digestion got out of control (I always had a sensitive stomach and I literally put all the symptoms under that; over sensitivity) and I searched for help everywhere. My doctor did a few tests and ended up basically saying that I didn't have anything, which obviously only made me fall into deeper despair. Instead of just living with "nothing", I began to research and came across all kinds of information. What seemed to be a common thread everywhere was that dairy, gluten and sugar are highly allergenic and sensitizing to the body. I had already lessened my dairy intake while living in the States (simply because I disliked their dairy products), but the combo of these three felt impossible to conquer. After living six months with my digestion basically hating me, I was ready to take the task and ended up living without that trinity for three months. After a few weeks I noticed my skin clearing up and for the first time I had a first hand experience of how what you eat actually affects everything, head to toe! The same revelation came to me when a few weeks ago I accidentally ate gluten and my skin radically changed for the worse and I'm still healing from it.

It made me think of how many times in life I've done that exact same mistake of thinking that by treating the symptoms they will disappear. In my unhappiness I've shopped online or  to ease the pain. When feeling anxious or stressed out I've opted for a distracting movie or comfort food, instead of figuring out what is actually causing my distress. While being frustrated I've immersed myself into work just to numb that feeling. All those things made me temporarily feel better, but because they don't deal with the root of the issue, I've found myself in this circle of avoiding what's really going on on the inside and basically waisting my precious time by doing so. It is uncomfortable and even painful to confront what's causing the uneasiness in my heart, but it's the only way to maturity and a truly free and powerful me. By listening to my heart and really stopping when everything hasn't been ok, I've come to find the roots to my insecurities, fears and lies that have been holding me back from being the person I really was created to be.

It can seem unproductive to take care of your heart, but that's where everything you do flows from. Wether it's a bad habit, overweight or laziness you want to get rid off, you can usually find the real cause hidden under all the symptoms, deep in your heart. It takes courage to walk toward the pain instead of avoiding it, but the freedom that follows will make it worth it all.



xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Crop top: Urban Outfitters

Jeans: Topshop

Sneakers: Nike Air Max

Leather Tote: Zara

Music Monday

So far I've lived on two continents, 3 countries,7 cities and 13 homes. Approximately I've moved every second year of my life. My story is not unusual in our ever changing world where jobs are international and traveling is easier as ever. The constant moving taught me to say goodbye (the least hurtful way) and how to adapt quickly to new places and situations. What I didn't realise was that I also learned how to keep myself at a distance from people. I made friends easily, but from a young age I understood that they might not stay in my life and the time for goodbyes might come again. So I built a defence mechanism that was going to protect myself from the hurt, by not letting people have my heart completely. 

Last year we were in California for five weeks to go to a wedding, enjoy the weather and see our friends. When the last day of our stay rolled up, I woke up with a lump in my throat. It was unclear to me why it was there, so I decided to ignore it. Obviously it wasn't the best way to deal with it so it ended up only growing until it seemed like I couldn't get a word out of my mouth. It wasn't until my dear friend looked at me and said, "Suvi, maybe you should cry?", that I couldn't hold it in anymore and waterfalls came streaming down my face. As I was sitting there sobbing, baffled by the volume of my emotions, I felt slightly embarrassed by my reaction. Didn't I know how to say goodbye without turning it into a scene? I've been here so many times before, what's different now?

I had let these people into my life. It had been a process of learning to be vulnerable for the first time, pursuing friendship and finding the most amazing second family a girl could ask for. And now I felt pain, because I wasn't going to see them for a long time. I was going to miss them, because a piece of my heart was going to stay in America. 

That's when I realised that missing someone or something is actually not negative. It means that you've lived freely, shared your heart and been vulnerable. It means you have had or still have someone/something so wonderful in your life that the pain of not seeing them is overwhelming. So that pain means you have been blessed.

To celebrate that blessing, I couldn't think of any better song than Sam Smiths live version of Lay me down. His interpretation, in all it's simplicity and passion is a pure presentation of a heart shared and filled with love. If you are missing someone or something right now, let yourself feel it and be grateful for what you've had the chance to experience.

xxx

Success In Process

My take on the relaxed, but dressed up combo. A nude slip and metallic clutch paired with a long cardigan and chunky heel is something I can wear anywhere from a regular coffee date to the ultimate summer night party. Multipurpose at it's finest.

"Life is a process."

"Embrace the process." 

"It's about the journey, not the destination."

Gosh I hated to hear those words.

I like to get. things. done. Give me a clear goal and I'll figure out the straightest, most effortless and efficient way to get there. I also like to make it happen now rather than later, waiting around and wondering about the weather will get me bored and make me loose my focus as quickly as I achieved it. Either we're on it or not, there's no in-between area. Learning something new would get me frustrated at times, because I prefer perfecting it the first time trying. 

Maybe it's because I was raised in the instant generation with microwaves, computers, internet, fast food, cell phones turned into smart phones… aka instant gratification. But somewhere down the road I bought into all the under 30 millionaires and the made it to the top at 18 thinking, this is how it's going down. You need to get to the top fast (and easy). And then my life didn't go at all according to my plans. No one discovered me at 16, I married young, I was rejected from the school I applied for and was thrown into the process of my life (which later I discovered will continue for the rest of my life). My frustration went through the roof as I tried and tried to figure out the most efficient ways to reach my dreams only finding myself running in circles and not getting anywhere. But someone had an even greater dream planned out for me. (Isaiah 55:8-13)

The past two years have been the most growing, intense and struggle filled years of my life. I've gone through heartache and difficult circumstances before, but this time there was no external tribulation. Instead it was a battle fought completely in my heart, me against myself and I. All my beliefs were being tested, insecurities pulled to the surface and weaknesses brought into the light and nothing I did seemed to succeed. I just felt like a hot mess and completely stuck in the in-between.

But there was a process happening, a pruning of my heart. Looking at myself two years ago and where I'm at now makes me see the change taking place. It's the little decisions and daily choices I made that have been moulding my character, fighting off fears and shaping me into becoming a powerful person. Small streams create big rivers and I was finally learning to respect the process.

I've got a long way to get where I want to be and lots of learning to do, but I'm ok with it now. I don't feel hurried or panicked, because I'm in the right place and time is not against me as long as I follow my heart and am not distracted by any external pressure. I don't want to skip steps or try to rush to see my dreams fulfilled because I know the now is forming me into the woman I need to be tomorrow.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Dress: Zara

Cardigan: Vero Moda

Shoes: Steve Madden

Clutch: Urban Outfitters

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