Queen

It was a raining cats and dogs kind of day and in need for comfort I opted for a photo shoot on our balcony with a hot cup of tea making it real nice and cozy. Summer takes a long time to arrive up here and even if Spring generously gives some warm days, it usually stays in pretty brisk temperatures. Writing this blog, I often have many ideas on subjects I would love to write about, but my core value has been that I don't want this to become just a lecturing blog, but a real reflection of my journey. It's not always easy, since privacy is something I value, but I believe in the power of an honest testimony and if my journey can help even one soul, it has been well worth it.

When I did the Clifton Strengths Finder test, my number one strength was Futuristic. It basically means that the future fascinates me, I love to "peer over the horizon" and envision what could be, in very vivid and detailed images. I laughed out loud when I first read the description, because it was so accurate. "Wouldn't it be great, if…" has been one of my most used sentences. Basically, I'm a full on dreamer. The challenging part was, that even though I had no problem seeing myself in full action, doing the things I dreamed of, I didn't have the tools to actually make them happen. See, I could be the most gifted, inspiring and creative person on the planet, but if I did nothing else than sit on the couch, most probably, nothing will ever happen. No angel or magic is going to lift me up and suddenly put me where I dream to be. Even if God himself tells me who I am and what I will do in life, it still requires at the least my active partnership. Wanna know why?  Because we aren't puppets and we're not powerless. The reason for my inactivity was rooted in my belief, that I wasn't powerful to make them reality. It revealed how I saw myself; just like a puppet, running around in life, unable to affect the things taking place around me. Life is full of things that we can't change, our upbringing, things in the past, and they can create a challenge. They can make that mountain in front of us steeper, but guess what? We're also going to be the fittest when we reach the top. 

In my process, I've realised that I'm very blessed to not have been given sudden success and that when I was sixteen, I din't get everything I dreamed of. I wasn't ready. Even in nature, if you climb up a high mountain too fast, it will lead to the potentially serious and even life threatening mountain sickness, because you're body didn't have the time to adjust to not having as much oxygen. You've probably heard a million times, that it's the process that makes us rich, but it's also the process that determines whether we're going to last when we're on top. It's our inner world that determines a lot of what's going on on the outside. I heard of this project, where people who had been homeless for a long time were given brand new homes, palaces in their eyes. After a short period of time though, the homes were pretty much wrecked. Having to live on the streets, the people never had something like these houses to look after and take care of. Our inner world will always manifest on the outside. 

So instead of just waiting for that moment of success, I'm learning how to build something that will last. My inner world is being moulded. I'm learning to enjoy and live in the present, discovering the resources it presents. I'd rather be a Queen without a palace, than a pauper just living in one.

xxx

Photos by Anna Laulumaa

Sweater: Madewell

Jeans: Zara

Music Mondays (..or Wednesdays)

I know, this weeks Music Monday is horribly late and I don't really have any other excuse than that I've taken extra time to rest and replenish my heart and soul. So todays pick reflects my thoughts and emotions from the past days… I truly believe that whatever adversities we face, we are always equipped with everything we need to face them and to turn them into victories and upgrades. Often times the magnitude of the problem or hardship represents the size of the reward on the other side of it. When we're facing an enormous obstacle in front of us, it's crucial to find a different perspective than just staring at it day and night. We need to consider how far we've come this far, the barriers we've conquered and victories we've gained in the past to build up the confidence that this too shall pass. We also need to set our eyes on the goal and the journey to get there, so no matter how big the issue before us is, we see that it's only a small part of our overall journey and even if it slows us down for a moment, it won't be able to stop us. 

The Winans' album Heart & Soul has been playing on my stereo for days. I love how they've blended Gospel with RnB, creating such a smooth and lyrical flow. Playing this record in the mornings has been my re-set button for any gloomy and rainy days, giving that extra boost to remind myself that despite of any hardship there is so much to be thankful for. So much indeed, that after counting my blessings the gloominess has vanished into thin air…

xxx

Effective Rest

We are the generation whose Instagram feeds and Facebook pages are filled with motivational quotes, trying to inspire us to work harder, push through the pain and make things happen. In some ways I'm grateful for it because honestly, I'd rather be bombarded with encouragement than negative and depressing words. But we've all experienced that point where life isn't just that simple and hearing someone say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" makes you want to punch them in the face and ask if they still think that way. Last week was one of the heavier ones for me. I tried to follow all the rules and do the right things to get me out of that funk, but nothing seemed to work. The harder I tried to work and push through it, the more frustrated I became and everything I did, felt like running uphill and upwind. True success does take a lot of hard work and dedication, but what are the keys to being able to persevere when we're faced with physical and/or mental obstacles? 

I actually had to stop and take a moment to re-evaluate the situation. I noticed how I had been comparing myself to others and as a result, trying to make things happen like they did. It's good getting inspired by others and following the footsteps of those who have gone before us, but like my friend said it so well, we are like different trees and the growth process looks different for each of us. I've learned to nurture that quite inner voice and it had been telling me to stop and rest, but I was fighting it, because I was afraid. Somehow I thought that resting equaled giving up and I was too keen on doing the opposite. But when my frustration reached its peak, I was ready to surrender. Finally I took a day to recharge and meditate on truth and as I found my peace again, everything else began to flow from it. Even though this is a truth I've always known in my head, it took the experience for it to travel into my heart; one form of effectiveness is rest. If we continue on striving and toiling without taking the time to breathe and refocus our vision, we easily end up somewhere completely else than what was planned. I'm eager to run after my dreams and reach the stars, but most importantly I want my heart to prosper. What is it worth to have a fat bank account and success at your hand, when on the inside you're withering? Don't be afraid to listen to your heart, even if it takes you somewhere else than the "ten steps to being successful". Your life is worth more than money and your heart more precious than any riches.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Dress: Mango

Leather jacket: Zara

Booties: Zara

Cross body: Handcrafted in Argentina

Music Mondays

I've always had sweet spot for smooth male voices and especially if it's four really good ones melted together in beautiful harmonies. Todays pick is the undeniably suave vocal group Boyz II Men's version of New Edition's classic "Can you stand the rain".

"Sunny days, everybody loves them,

but can you stand the rain?

Storms will come, this we know for sure.

Can you stand the rain?"

I feel like it's encrypted into our system to long for that unconditional, unwavering love that will stand any rain or storm. At times it seems like I'm bombarded with facts that try to convince me that it's an impossible quest, but I have tasted it and I know it is real. Love is like a seed. Planted into good soil, watered and nourished, it will only keep on growing, shooting it's roots deeper and producing the sweetest fruit you have ever tasted. Listening to this song makes me want to write poems and paint my words on a canvas in a rainbow of colours… And now it's time for you to be seduced by it :)

xxx

My Riches

Last week I experienced the surprise of my life… One of my best friends, who's just like family to me, had schemed together with my husband to completely rock my world by having her fly to Finland for my birthday. Never in my life have I experienced a shock like when I suddenly saw her walking in through our door. I think it took me a good thirty minutes to really understand what happened. Now she's long gone, but I feel like I'm still processing all of it. 

Part of me understands that I could have never done anything to receive such unconditional love, but on the other hand there is a lot of work behind it. I have a few people in my life that I pursue fiercely. These are people that I have a covenant with, to do life together and to always support and stay vulnerable with each other. My husband is obviously number one on this list. I've noticed that for many a partner or spouse is the only one who gets to play such a significant part in life. I can't imagine loving anyone more than I do my husband and his love towards me has been one of the most powerful forces in my life. But even in all his greatness, he is not supposed to fill my every need. He is my husband, best friend and lover, but he could never be a sister or brother to me. In our world all love seems to be sexualised except for blood relations. Thinking that way steals us from some of the most beautiful encounters in life. Pursuing these relationships has at times felt risky and even scary, like sharing your heart always will, but the reward of experiencing such pure and transforming love is more than worth it. I've said it before; these people around me have played a huge role in me being who I am today and if I'm ever giving an acceptance speech anywhere, I'll be one of those boring never ending ones who aren't able to end one sentence without bursting into tears.

When we took our friend to the airport after her week here, I felt uneasy. We stayed up until her flight left in the morning (I might have rested my eyes for a moment..) so I was pretty exhausted the rest of the day, but I new something else felt off. After walking through different reasons why I'm feeling such anxiety I got to the root. I missed my friend. Even though we've done long distance for years now and we've said goodbye so many times before, it still hits me every time. Keeping our connection strong with FaceTime and Whatsapp is something we're used to, but having her here for a week reminded me of how it was when we still lived in California and how I was missing out on the day to day life together. I surprised even myself by what a waterfall my tears created, but after a while of just letting it  out I felt much lighter. That great pain my heart was experiencing was proof of the great love I have the privilege of giving and receiving with the special people I have in my life. Even though I hate goodbyes and my heart is torn by the fact that so many of my closest people live far away, the reward of seeing their face even for just a week makes it all worth it. I feel incredibly rich and this wealth can't be measured with silver or gold. It's the richness of an open heart, able to receive that unconditional love and willing to give it back in return. It's the wealth of lives entwined together so closely that there's nothing you ever have to face alone.

xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Parka: Sams ø & Samsø
Dress: Zara
Plaid Shirt: Urban Outfitters
Shoes: Wolverine
Sunglasses: Rayban

My Fav's: Dandy

As you all probably noticed, I cut my hair into a fresh bob! Or better said, Sumi from the exceptional hair salon Dandy, cut my hair into a fresh bob :) I'm very picky about who gets to touch my hair and am lucky to have found a hairdresser who understand my ideas and is able to transform them from vision to reality. Since I am visually tuned, I love stepping into this salon. Having the privilege to have someone else do my hair is something I consider a luxury, taking a moment that attends to all of my senses is like food to my soul. I mean, how many places do you know with incredible wall art and interior decor like this? Their website has such an accurate description:

"Dandy is about flash, flair and flamboyance. We weave vogue with clean-cut finesse and combine class with a bit of street swagger. Dandy caters for the discerning client, out for style, grace and personal edge."

Not only is Sumi creative with hair, but she's fantastic with make-up as well, so if you're looking to get a whole package of fabulous for any event, she's got it. She's been responsible for the adorning of TV-shows, movies and celebrities as well as brides and birthday babes. Don't be misled, all you handsome men, this place serves men as well and are excellent in their barbering. Dandy is also expanding! This summer they are opening a new salon and bringing their craftsmanship to Kallio, Helsinki. For years I've enjoyed coming here and am excited to see what they have come up with for the new location. So if you're on the look out for a new and fresh touch on your looks, don't look any further!

xxx

Music Mondays

Todays Music Monday is special to me…because it's my birthday! I'm going to jam to good music all day, because as it probably has become obvious, music and dancing are my two favourite things on this planet. But the song I picked now is more personal. My faith is something I haven't hidden, but I've also tried not to rub it into anyones face. I don't want anyone to feel unwelcome or left out when reading my blog and I strive to never speak in words of judgement or self-righteousness. I hope that whatever your beliefs, background or circumstances are, you can experience this as a place of love and honour. With that said, I also strive for honesty with my every post, so I could never be silent about the most important thing in my life, Jesus Christ. Today I've reached the first quarter of my life (yes, I intend to have very long and fulfilling life) and I'm already amazed to my core by what God has done in my life. To me it's not just a belief in something I don't see, evolving around rules and old stories, but He is more real to me than the air I breath. He has pulled me from the drenches of meaninglessness, self-hate and fear and given me a purpose. He has given me the freedom to be boldly who I am and showered me with His unfailing love over and over again. So today I want to celebrate the One who has given me life. He is the King of my heart. 

Easter Thoughts

I grew up in a country that had a lot of holidays, the land of culture and the backdrop of Sound of Music, and as a child I learned to love all the special festivities. Easter has always been a special one for me, and not only because it's usually very close to my birthday. Spring in general is one of my favourite seasons, because of the energy and atmosphere in the air. Everything that seemed to be dead begins to bloom and all the shades of grey are replaced with bursts of colour. The air has a different scent and life takes over, once again. That's what Easter represents to me; life overcoming death, light conquering the darkness.

This spring has been extra special though. I'm turning 25 and I feel more like a woman than ever. A lot has happened during the past few years and I remember so vividly the insecure and scared girl I was just five years ago. We often think that everything needs to happen at a fast pace and I have had my moments of incredible frustration, because in the process we are often blinded to the growth taking place. But if my freedom had been given to me in a moment, I wouldn't have the tools I gained through walking it out and I wouldn't know its worth. This process inspired me to write this blog, write songs and dig deeper instead of just being satisfied with the superficial. Hardly any great things come without some form of sacrifice. All the best choices I've made in my life have required saying no to others, which hasn't always been easy. But the thing with the best choices and greatest things are, that when you have walked through that fire and climbed over those walls, the price that awaits you far outshines the obstacles you had to overcome. If I would have to pick one sentence to describe the past years, it would be "going towards the pain". It has been uncomfortable and challenging but it's the only way to freedom and freedom is always worth the fight. Despite all the hardship, and maybe even because of some of them, I feel more alive and hopeful than ever. I see now how many of the problems I've come across have, at the least, turned out good and many times bringing an increase of blessing, as long as I was willing to hold on to truth and not slide down to the thoughts of fear and despair. And because of that history, I can look at tomorrow with great expectation. I know that my life is in the hands of the one who conquered death.



xxx

Photos by Adriana Dobrin

Shirt: somewhere in California

Jeans: Zara

Coat: Erre

Boots: Aldo